Is that a whiff of pumpkin spice in the air? Yes, Trader Joe’s brought back a few icons (pumpkin brioche, gnocchi, cheesecake, etc.), and introduced some new horrors (Pumpkin & Spice Caramel Sauce). There was also a hint of apple, a droplet of maple—all reviewed here today. And I experienced one of the most Trader Joe’s-iest cashiers I’ve ever encountered, a young dude who told me he had his morning cereal on his backyard trampoline. While he scanned my autumnal riff-raff, he waved across the store. “That’s my history teacher!” he exclaimed. “He introduced me to a great TV show.” What was it? I asked, ever a student of history. “Lost,” he grinned.
Snacky
This snack mix has some highlights—mini Reese’s dupes and sprinkle-coated pretzels—and some lowlights. Shreds of dried apple like stray wood chips. Dry mini pretzel barrels that look like they should have peanut butter in them but don’t. Not a hall of famer.
Obsessed with these. There are six packets of seaweed snacks that are very lightly coated in a sweet-and-spicy barbecue sauce. I like to crinkle them up over buttered rice or popcorn or use as a vessel for tuna salad hand rolls. Or eat at the kitchen counter while you mull things over.
Love honey mustard on my turkey sandwiches and apparently loathe it on my popcorn. This one is tart, tangy, traumatic.
These would be great to put out at a kids’ Halloween party where you get blindfolded and stick your hands in a bowl full of cow eyeballs, except it’s these slippery picante peppers stuffed with squishy cheese. Pop an eyeball in your mouth and you’ll find it’s sweet at first, with a subtle kick. Not so spooky after all!
Having trouble finding the party here. The salami is torturously chewy. The mozz slices were flabby and flavorless, and the sesame-smattered cracker seemed apologetic about the whole thing. With a few small tweaks (higher-quality cured meat, the Gruyère-cheddar blend cheese) this could be a chic grown-up Lunchable. Unfortunately, Lunchables are better.
Meals? Sorta!
Reheat these gyoza in a pan with water, which turns into a cornstarch goo, which reduces into a lacy skirt. Incredible! The beef inside is bolstered with green-onion-flavored beef tallow that creates a rich mouthfeel, if you’re into that kind of thing. Pick up some scallions and TJ’s gyoza dipping sauce to accompany.
I couldn’t finish one of these flabby sausages with pieces of carrot in it. My grandma, for the record, would never stand for this. She’d fry up some kielbasa until crisp with a stock pot of buttered noodles on the side. If you think life can get better than that, you’re wrong.
Wary of every salad mix at Trader Joe’s in a Cyclospora world? This one isn’t worth the risk. The hastily cut apples may include the nub of calyx—the apple’s butthole, as it were—and veer mealy from their plastic bag confinement. Five pecan slivers don’t make up for the meh dressing. Stick to the Dill-icious salad if you want more action.
I much prefer these to the damp egg bites in the grab-and-go refrigerated section of Trader Joe’s, where convenience often trumps taste. These lumpy squares of egg-bound potatoes air-fry in a zip, pair well with a moat of ketchup, and are mostly cheese. I tried both new flavors—one with sausage, one with just tater and cheese—and found the sausage guys smaller but less mushy. Win some, lose some.
This almost scratches the itch if you’re “on a break” from Taco Bell, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. They’re not good. Dry flour tortillas begin to char in the air fryer (spray or lightly coat with oil perhaps?) and the chicken mush inside is swamped in cumin-heavy sauce. Sour cream and hot sauce on the side help but not enough.
This falls short in the way most Trader Joe’s frozen pastas do, resembling airline food when you’re blessed enough to have it. Limp zucchini, lots of sodium yet tastes unsalty, needs reviving with red pepper flakes. Pass!
Trader Joe’s doesn’t sell warm, sweaty rotisserie chickens, but they now have cold, sweaty sheets of breast meat. The entire package will make one sandwich, maybe two if you’ve got enough cheese in the house. In this economy, you’re better off with the whole bird (from Costco, Kroger, wherever). Then you can make stock with the carcass.
This was bleak. The “pudding” is a pock-marked yellow patty, grainy and fragrant with nutmeg. I could only make it through a few bites. With a can of corn and a box of Jiffy mix—or a pound of cheese—you can do much better than this bomb shelter provision.
TJ’s has a whole flavor spectrum of these spongy, scrotal meatballs. Look at that packaging, then disagree with me. I’m not thrilled to have to taste more of them, but if I must, I must. These have enough sweetness to brown and almost glaze in the air fryer and barely any chile heat. Make these instead.
Pumpkin-y
Every flaky pastry at Trader Joe’s claims to be ready-to-eat, but they’re all lackluster without a reheat. This has a pumpkin-pie-vibe filling, though I didn’t notice much cream cheese. Hm! Be careful with reheating it, because a few minutes too long and the pastry will toughen.
Like the pumpkin croissants, these literal cutie pies need a reheat to be worth the precious four bites they last. Otherwise it’s a pretty standard grocery store pumpkin pie, rebranded and returned to shelves after a few years of slumber. Flavorless but crisp-enough crust, silky smooth pumpkin filling. Not groundbreaking, but it doesn’t need to be.
A whiff of this spread (for toast, I guess?) is like daring to smell all the pumpkin spice candles at HomeGoods right now. A dangerous game. I couldn’t stand a spoonful of this potent glue, but perhaps diluting it in vanilla ice cream would make it more palatable. I’ll leave that to braver tasters.
Bark is supposed to have some bite. Some crunch. Some snap. This was like a creamy slab of cheap white chocolate, reeking with cinnamon-clove-nutmeg. On the upside, my compost bin now smells like pumpkin spice rot.
Drinks
This is a Starbucks creamer dupe, made with just milk, cream, sugar, and caramel “flavor” that lands a little saccharine, a little light. Imagine if they’d splurged on real caramel? Maybe next year.
Into this. You need to experiment with ratios to get it to your liking—it is sweeeet—but I rewarmed the concentrate in the microwave, added a splash of boiling water, and filled the rest of the mug with steamed milk from my handy-dandy electric frother. I also love the idea of adding a splash to oatmeal for a teatime jolt.
Sweets
A “viral sensation.” After a patient day of defrosting in the fridge, the best part is the pale green marzipan exterior. Soft and almondy, with a subtle stickiness, it drapes across the cake like a Disney princess gown. Underneath, lopsided layers of whipped cream, intensely sweet cake, and raspberry jam, compete for your love and affection. But in the end, the marzipan wins.
I adore these. Inside the teeny-weeny box are nine flower-shaped cakes. A hint of coconut and ube, not too sweet, very bouncy-chewy. They’re already cooked so you just need to reheat them in the air fryer or oven. I popped each one into my mouth until the starches expanded in my gut and told me: Enough is enough.
Essentially dog treats for humans. They’re dry and crunchy like Milk-Bones, in freakishly perfect leaf shapes, encrusted with sugar. Industrial chic.
Whereas peanut butter at least has some protein, granola butter is more like cookie butter, a Trader Joe’s icon. Looks cute, tastes like dessert, just happy to be nominated! There’s a sultry vanilla note here. I sweetened my oatmeal with it to great results.
Honestly, innovative. This baking mix comes with a pouch of butterscotch and shows you how to drizzle it to create those tie-dye-like lines. A fun activity for kids. For adults, I’d sprinkle Maldon on top when you pull them out of the oven. The dense, chewy blondies make your house smell like pancakes.
The strawberry jam has a sharp acrid note. The cashew-coconut “yogurt” was a bit too thin to count as “Greek style” to me. It’s creamy enough to convince you it’s yogurt, so rah-rah for the lactose intolerant. The intensity of sweetness reminds me of vintage Fruit on the Bottom.
These are palm-size frozen pastries you need to slightly defrost before baking, resulting in golden puff pastry encasing apple mush. Mostly forgettable. The pastry has a stubbornness to it. What the people really want are apple fritters, Joe. Figure it out!
These vanilla-flavored not-Cheerios leave your cereal milk sweet and speckled, how charming. Real vanilla! As a fully-fledged adult, I sadly consider cereal a “dessert” now—innocence lost, etc., etc.—but for any babies reading from your regal high chairs, enjoy the short-lived blood sugar spike in the morning. Goo-goo gah-gah, get after it!
Accessories
This so-called salad dressing is what happens when you emulsify canola oil with a splash of apple cider, adding a sprinkle of onion powder and “flavor,” my favorite ingredient. Revolting but in a seasonal way. It has a strong cider flavor, which is what you signed up for, but I’d like to erase my name from that list.
This is very finely grated parm, the size of breadcrumbs, with what I’d call pizza seasoning. It was a bit too much oregano for me, but then again, I have control issues. I mixed it into turkey meatballs to hide.
For the first time since the mid-aughts, paneer is back in the cheese aisle with a cheery new pink-and-yellow label. Stock up and make these kathi rolls with Trader Joe’s flour tortillas. Maybe a cold beer.
This is just diet cream cheese for those who prefer to sacrifice the small pleasures in life. Do with it what you will. I’ve been spooning it into my oatmeal for some extra oomph, but I wouldn’t use it in a cheesecake, where you want the full flavor and fat.
A Vegetable?
We needed more greens options at TJ’s, so I’ve bought this twice since it debuted. These li’l leaves of pak choi sauté in 24 seconds or can melt instantly into soups. I prefer to chop them before cooking to tame the stems.